30 May 2020 Journal Entry

Woke up thinking of something Dave Carse wrote. 

The sense of caring and importance runs very deep in the conditioning and is not easily seen through or set aside. Even seekers who are familiar with the concept that 'none of this matters' will be brought up short by this idea that even 'awakening' is part of the script for the dream character in which it occurs, and is of no significance. "Do you really mean to say that the total Understanding is only part of the dream?" Indeed yes, even the occurrence of this realization is an event in the dream, part of the unfolding of the dream, and nothing has happened (254).

And comparing them to the journal entry of 29 May 2020, which is a vast and intricate self-assessment and self-criticism, notes towards a love letter, notes toward awakening, all undertaken after an evening with the mother. 

There is such a deep and welcome sense of insight and understanding in those moments and subsequent reflection. A place at the fire, a seat at the table. Yet a day later it all appears shallow and ineffectual. Do I lose something? Or was there nothing to lose? 

I want to be helpful with Jessica but it's clear that is just a fantasy. Which, fine, but then why am I vomiting from stress. Why the constant nightmares. Why is everything so secretive yet always spilling over, never quite resolving in either insight or its application. 

Jason said the other day after a walk to the river, "the dark night of the soul is not inevitable but that doesn't mean it is negotiable." 

Is the answer then no relationship? Healing my shit in relationship?

I think the answer, whatever it is, has not occurred to me yet. Or it has and I forget it, or don't recognize it. Remember it?

I am at the beginning again. Again.