Wednesday, April 15, 2020

Another Tour of this Forsaken Shadowy Vale

What is absent? Heavy clouds float slowly towards the river, leaving between them pools of faint blue to shape-shift and tease. If one went all the way in the direction desire intimates, what would happen? Does getting hurt equate to knowing God in a new way?

In the morning I carry hay to the horses, and this is how I know it is morning, and this is how I know I am home. Forgiveness, as such, is sometimes absent or at least the willingness to be forgiven is absent. What we covet, and what we deny we covet, and what we deny we deny.

In a dream, Dan visits and reminds me of another dream visit fifteen or so years ago, and I wake wondering when the current psychological hiccup I occupy will cease its repetition. Five a.m. coffee leavening a sadness that is sad mostly because it knows it can't be healed. Will I in this lifetime ever see you?

Lamps are more effective than candles but darkness isn't evil, just unfamiliar. I think of the trout I have killed, I think of the black bears, and I wonder what penance if any will suffice. What happens behind the grape arbor does not stay behind the grape arbor: those dead calves have not been silent a single day.

Thus, by mid-morning one is lost in the subject of their lifelong study, surfacing only to make tea and gather papers for a later class, happy or what passes for happy. Nobody likes saying so but Darwin sure was ugly until old age and accomplishment converted him to lovely.

At a late juncture, I find myself in the odd position of championing Christianity, as if all along that were the plan. Chrisoula kisses me before leaving for work and the rocker nods approvingly. Jesus, I'll do anything if you'll spare me another tour of this forsaken shadowy vale. A lamb-colored sliver of moon fades over the lambs. Tell me, says the Lord: what trouble have you wrought unto my children?

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