Wednesday, October 16, 2013

My Heart Wants To Climb

After midnight, sleepless for the thousandth night, I take the dog walking. The waxing gibbous moon sinks beyond tendril clouds. The sound of leaves falling seems to require something but I forget what. It was always this way.

But was it? These forest trails don't really remember me: I remember them. The man without shoes could walk anywhere. How many women must I make crawl across cut glass just to hear a kind word?

Well, we are who we are. We make contact with what is eternal and are correspondingly gratified. A few stars, a breeze in the pine trees. All of this has been offered up and yet here I am still, walking through it, as if I really don't want Jesus, really don't care for love.

Only once have I mentioned her name here, and quickly took it back. We are all scared of something. A taste of Heaven recalled in the body is not Heaven, merely a hint of the memory of Heaven. Don't get hung up on improvements, just look for the gate you hid a long time ago.

The dog comes in later and I sit up in bed writing. My heart wants to climb out of my chest. Well, one day it will. In the meantime, this.


  1. Captivated, I read through October.

    Yes, we are all scared of something. Perhaps some of us are afraid of letting go of something that both consumes and defines us, even when we know letting go is the only way to save ourselves. Jesus (even when the Holy Spirit shows us his face quite clearly) can often feel a paltry substitute when we're wandering the landscape of a wounded, yearning heart. I've thought about this a great deal over the past several years, trying to make spiritual sense out of it all.

    And even as my soul stretches and grows, there are those nights I just want to howl at the moon.

    Here are six words I know to be true:
    Love denied turns us ever inward

    But sometimes, in this lifetime as in others before this one, I just want what I want.....

  2. Thank you, Cheryl. This has been a kind of heartfelt project of mine for a long time.

    I wonder sometimes if yearning is just a way to avoid God/Love . . . if the "broken heart" is just a way to hold someone else responsible for our sense of separation and woundedness . . . And I wonder - in this respect - what healing looks like. Is it possible we can have what we want? I wonder, too . . .

    And as always, I love the six words . . .


  3. I thought about what you wrote from this rough place I am in at the moment. When I am stuck here, I revisit what ACIM says about special relationships. It seems to me it's very clear that those who "know" the Course is their path "must" make the leap from a special to a holy relationship. And also that by not making this transition, we delay our awakening once again.

    And this is where the ego gets very demanding, at least in my case. Its whispers become shouts that tell me awful lies like: you're not lovable; you're nuts to think love doesn't involve bodies, and this Course is just crazy stuff and you really are a heretic!

    Because, Sean, I figure .... if we are really going to GET THIS, why wouldn't the One mind gift us with a"savior" who is the one person who turns us on (mentally, physically, spiritually) more than any other. Seems to me a perfect plan ... even at those times when I find myself on my knees...or running away.

    As the Course says, we cannot keep even a little of the ego with this gift. But, somehow I know, if I can truly break the bonds of ego in this special relationship and allow it its pre-ordained holiness... then maybe, just maybe, I'll soon be singing "Free Bird" all the way to Heaven. And that if I don't, well, there's that choosing again business...

    but it's about the toughest thing I've ever had to do.....

    (Forgive me if in my "arrogance" I have misconstrued. These words were carefully considered. I was compelled to write, if only to help myself "through," 'cause as our cynical Mr. Frost wrote: "the only way out is through." And, damn if he isn't right! :)

  4. In a way, misconstruction isn't possible. Or we can approach it that way, if we want.

    In my experience - dim & limited in so many ways - salvation assumes the form that is most helpful and least frightening to us. And so, it might assume the form of what is most attractive - spiritually, physically, mentally. We have to give attention to that possibility, at least.

    In the sense that we believe bodies are real, they are, and so we have to accept that our learning - our ascent to Heaven or whatever metaphor one wants to use - is going to happen in the context of a body. It is helpful to think of them as learning devices in that way - not sacred or lovely in their own right, but for the use to which the Holy Spirit can put them.

    I think we have to give attention to that too: the attractions we perceive, the desires and - importantly - the judgment we lay upon on those perceptions and desires.

    I write often that we have to give up beauty - and it is true - but it is also true that, in this body at this time, my perception of Christ tends to be in what is beautiful: flowers, starlight, certain women, and so forth.

    There seems to be a couple of challenges for me: can I trust the Holy Spirit to show me Christ and - second and harder - can I trust the Holy Spirit to direct its behavioral expression?

    The transition from special to holy relationship is not my responsibility - which is a good thing. I would pollute all them eventually, no matter how well-intentioned I was. But given to the Holy Spirit, I can witness their transformation. I can see the way that lust can be a teaching tool without having to act on it, or that the nature of my writing - which tends to be Romantic - can be a teaching tool, and even my need to be in the forest at odd hours can be a teaching tool.

    Those are all special relationships - with certain people, with my writing, with New England, with my dog. Even with certain words - anything trisyllabic melts me.

    There is holiness inherent in all of them if I will only give attention. No leaping seems to be required; rather, a sort of settling is called for. And maybe - I am only beginning to perceive this - some sense of service?

    As in, rather than getting, is there a way for me to give?

    I don't mean any of that to sound all holy and self-righteous. It is just my sense of things as I stumble along this path I've chosen. And I am very much a stumbler.


  5. Just finished my quiet time with ACIM and was preparing to run (through the raindrops it appears) and decided to check mail.

    And I wanted to day -- since perhaps with my gratitude I can return your gift -- that your explanation, the way you put words together about the Course, leads me to a deeper, more personal, understanding. And yet, at the same time, I recognize that that, too, is an illusion.

    So, very simply, thank you. For taking the time to carefully consider what I write and to respond so thoughtfully.

    ...and for the smiles... like the one engendered by this: anything trisyllabic makes me melt.

    you are appreciated......enjoy your weeken.