Friday, October 25, 2013

From One Idealization to Another

One wakes to moonlight. And later walks through it, thin and feathery, like a cloud. When I write, another intelligence attends. My life is what happens, like a leaf falling in Autumn, or a skunk on the trail.

Some mornings the words are not there and you have to go looking for them. The dog curls up next to me on the couch. The houses of the poor are often cold. I move from one idealization to another, only slowly recognizing they are all the same.

Though I don't understand what this means exactly, I know that who professes to want peace does not want peace. What did M. say about leaving Heaven each time we open our mouths? I can't remember what to include and what to leave out. I don't want to be wanted - does that make sense?

And so the hours pass. I rise early for no particular reason and walk for a while and write for a while and sort of drift for a while, too. How little is required of us! And yet we persist in our quest for advantage.

The thing about desire is it's a third party and it wants something, too. In this body, this time, honesty is all I've got. I shivered walking despite a warm jacket and thought for the first time I am not ready for winter. How scared I am of mistakes, of being told to come back and do it all again.


  1. Yes to this:
    I don’t want to be wanted – does that make sense?

    This seems almost reflexive to me:
    And yet we persist in our quest for advantage.

    Ah, me, too:
    How scared I am of mistakes, of being told to come back and do it all again.

    But I'm not so sure, Sean, I know when I am making these missteps, these "things" we call mistakes....

  2. In a funny way, I think mistakes are not possible: everything is always as it is supposed to be. It is our sense or desire that there be another order that leads us to conclude something is wrong - out of the order or pattern that we have decided is right/desirable/etc.

    It's clear to me the problem is not the external but rather the internal movement to judge it. Staying with the impulse to judge without actually acting on it or giving it expression is a subtle dance indeed!

    Anyway, it may be that not recognizing missteps is a kind of holiness . . . a movement towards the relinquishment of judgment that so haunts our peace . . .

    Thanks for reading, Cheryl.